Sometimes, you've got to get away before you realize where you really are.

That title is from my horoscope for today, and I think that's pretty cool.


[This note is a perfect example of how my mind's been lately. And it was written over the course of a couple days.]


So today I went to a doctor's appointment (in RL). After that, I took a nap. I'm not sure if it was because I've been so sleep deprived or because it was hot and the middle of the day, but I had a pretty interesting dream. The kind of dream that sorta leaves you thinking differently for the rest of the day. So here it goes:
I'm walking into a doctor's office and go to the desk to sign in. The woman at the desk asks me what my appointment is for, and I have no idea how to answer. I start to freak out a little bit and say, "What? I don't understand the question.... and I don't know why I'm here. Why are you asking me this??" Terrified with myself at how confused I am, I start to wonder if I'm high on something. I start to freak out until I realize that I'm dreaming, and that's why I'm not acting like my normal self. Once I realize I'm dreaming, I start to do things that I would never do in real life. I start to run around the doctor's office and dance and sing and jump on things. Then I realize that the office is actually a big house, and there are beds everywhere with other people sleeping/dreaming. I shout to wake them up but they stay there sleeping. Then, I remember what Cameron told me about lucid dreaming and how you can stick your finger through the palm of your other hand when you're dreaming. I start to do this, and just before my finger reaches my palm I wake up. Holly's in the room and I tell her all about the dream. We talk about it for a while before leaving the room. Just as I'm walking out of the room I wake up again, this time for real, but Holly isn't in the room.
It was a short dream since I was only asleep for a limited amount of time, but I think there are some cool ideas embedded in it. First, that it was based on actual events in my day. I really did go to the doctor, but for some reason my subconscious wanted to relive it. Second, that my first reaction to being confused was thinking I might be high. Third, that I realized it was a dream, and I almost made it into a lucid dream, consciously remembering ideas from my waking life. Fourth, that I woke up twice. Fifth, that when I woke up in the dream, I told Holly about it. I think that if that part of the dream hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have remembered it. Since Holly wasn’t in the room when I actually woke up I couldn’t tell her about it, and it’s almost impossible for me to remember a dream unless I tell someone right away or write it down.
I also had a dream over the weekend that actually came true, but I won’t talk about that…

Today in my philosophy class we talked about Kierkegaard’s idea of love in Fear and Trembling. A lot of it is over my head, and a lot of it I probably understand incorrectly and kind of incorporate my own ideas, but I’d still like to talk about it. So Kierk defines love as anything a person devotes life to; you’ve got to love something specific/concrete enough that it can tell you specifically how to live. It has to be something which is vulnerable (finite/temporal). It has to be risky. It doesn’t have to be a person. And unless you understand the threat of the loss of your cause, you can’t fully enjoy it. But, to have a vulnerable relationship with no defenses is crazy. You have to make the relationship vulnerable and invulnerable at the same time – vulnerable to success and to failure. Being an individual is to have a defining commitment that gives you a calling and tells you who you are. Practically no one is an individual because it’s too risky; you’ll only be fully human if you are an individual. Some basic characteristics of defining commitment: *It defines who you are. *It gives you a world in which you can tell what’s important and what’s trivial. *It can’t be mediated or put into concepts; you can’t make a list of the characteristics of why this person is perfect for you (!); they are a paradigm, which is the best taste to which you judge all others. *Your passion about it is what makes it your savior. *It becomes necessary, but hasn’t always been; the instance which structures the rest of your eternity is your significance.

Umm, ummm, ummm.

I got electrocuted yesterday. Or, electric shock, I guess. I was plugging in the blender and when my hand got to the outlet I felt like my entire body was being shaken like a salt shaker. You know how in cartoons the person shakes uncontrollably and sparks fly out of their head and everything? That’s what it felt like. Vidya said I pulled away from it right away but it seriously felt like it went on for a few minutes. It was pretty intense.

I’ve been getting really fed up lately with the lack of anything of real substance in my immediate surroundings. That sounds differently than what I mean, but I’m not sure how else to put it. By surroundings, I mostly mean people (including me). “And I want life in every word to the extent that it’s absurd.” I want that. I want that, but dead words are all I hear and all I say. And it’s my own fault, but at the same time it isn’t. And this doesn’t make sense, but I want to get it out somehow because otherwise it will bother me. Rabble rabble rabble.

“One time my roommate in college said ‘rabble rabble rabble’ out a window to Cal’s starting quarterback.”

Karma has been so mixed up with me lately. I’m not sure what I deserve, but I’m getting mixed signals. The other day I got a phone call from the doctor’s office, not asking for money, but telling me that they were giving me money back. That same day I got electrocuted-ish. With boys I’m having great luck and yet such terrible luck. But maybe with boys it never really has anything to do with luck. I didn’t get into the Psych class that I really wanted to take, but I ended up getting $250 back for books. I keep finding lucky pennies. I did the wrong Portuguese assignment but when my teacher asked me for the answer I looked in the book and the answers were already written in the spaces for me. And they were correct. So maybe karma is just bullshit and no matter how good or bad you are, good or bad things will happen. Ugh, but that’s such a sad way of living life.

Berkeley makes me so happy but it also makes me think so much.